let it all out

Everyone's waiting for me to write something about Turkey.  I've been here for 10 days, isn't it about time?

Turkey's been fun.  I'm liking it and there's actually been a ton of encouraging stuff.  I've made friends.  I'm going to visit Istanbul this weekend and Capadoccia not long afterward.

But my mind and spirit have been focused on things at home.

Don't know why God wants me to be dealing with this stuff now and not before I landed here, but I guess that's probably my fault too, but He can't wait any longer.  Oh Lord, help me love.

Ok I'm being really vague but if you know what I'm talking about: forgive me please.  And please understand that I'm trying.  And trying to stop trying.

meh...anyone remember Relient K?  I don't really like their style anymore but I sometimes wonder if my former obsession with them is the reason why I'm such a basket case sometimes.

Anyway, here's "Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?" and "Let It All Out"

I think you know what I'm getting at

I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select 

you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for naught

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief

oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and You said "I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there"

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that Man isn't me

and You said "I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there"

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for You

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

"Take full possession."

Here's another quote from AC's If that I've chewed on for a couple of weeks:

No vision of the night can show, no word declare, with what longings of love Divine Love waits till the heart, all weary and sick of itself, turns to its Lord and says, "Take full possession."  There is no need to plead that the love of God shall fill our heart as though He were unwilling to fill us: He is willing as light is willing to flood a room that is opened to its brightness; willing as water is willing to flow into an emptied channel.   Love is pressing around us on all sides like air.  Cease to resist, and instantly love takes possession.  As the 15th century poem Quia amore langues says,

Long and love thou never so high,

My love is more than thine may be.

More, far more.  For as His abundance of pardon passes our power to tell it, so does His abundance of love: it is far as the east is from the west, high as the heaven is above the earth.  But words fail.  Love soars above them all.

To look at ourselves leads to despair.  Thank God, the Blood cleanseth.

If thou be foul, I shall make thee clean,

If thou be sick, I shall thee heal.

Foundest thou ever love so leal*?

Never, Lord, never.

*leal: loyal, faithful, honest, true

For some reason it took this to make me realize just what it means to ask for God to "take full possession."  Yes, I've asked for God to take control of my life, consciously, but not realizing the magnitude of its implications.  Take, for example, that my iPod is in a season right now in which nearly every day, I sing along with some artist singing "Come Thou Fount."  That means nearly every day, often multiple times a day, I pray "Let Thy grace now, like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee...  Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."  

Have I thought enough about how, along with asking for fantastic things such as to know songs of angels and acknowledging Christ as the giver of every blessing and the one who has and is and will guide me, I am asking God to have my heart - my life.  Then how I can live my life every day as if it is still my own, as if, perhaps I did offer my life to Him, but then figured He did not really want it!  When it is exactly what He wants from me!

And if I really give up myself, submitting to Him, then God really will have no reservations in completely drowning me His love.  We can wonder what God's will for our lives may be for the unknown future, important decisions in relationships and jobs, but although we may not know the specific answers to these questions, we must first remember this: for certain, God's will for us is to be submitted to Him.  He alone deserves it.  Romans 12:1-2 "Therefore I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices; this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve God's will, His good, pleasing, and perfect will."  And what joy would follow in knowing Him and His love when we have fully given our lives to Him, and see Him lay out His good plan for our lives?  

What have I missed because I never before gave a request for His control with a serious thought?  What have I missed because of idols that I may not even realize I look to or how strongly I clutch them in my hand; "Take full possession...except this."...

Then praise Him also for His mercy, in that even when we offer our hearts, without putting our whole heart into it, He still hears our prayers and is more than willing to take them, in spite of us!  All the people like me who pray every day or sing in church every week and half-heartedly offer their lives, Jesus loves so much to still grant our requests and continue to grow us, make us a work in progress and take care of us, until we are finally of His image.  Not that all who pray earnestly to any god are saved; Jesus is still the way, the truth, and the life, and no one comes to the Father except through Him.  But God still hears their prayer, and did offer His Son that all who receive Him and believe in His name would be given the right to be called children of God.  We, then, can pray as well that those who are not in the Kingdom but pray to know God would really come to know Him and Christ as their Savior, and so enter.  God is willing (see 1 Timothy 2:1-7).

And even after all this discussion, I suspect I still don't really fathom what requesting that the Lord "take full possession" of me will mean.  Who knows what it could cost me or where it could take me.  I do know that following Jesus isn't easy, and that He said Himself many times it would be difficult.

But what would I gain?

Am I not yet "weary and sick of" myself?

...hereitgoes...

How can I keep from singing?

I like both of these...

My life flows on in endless song:
Above earth's lamentation,
I catch the sweet, tho' far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear the music ringing;
It finds an echo in my soul--
How can I keep from singing?

What tho' my joys and comfort die?
The Lord my Saviour liveth;
What tho' the darkness gather round?
Songs in the night he giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that refuge clinging;
Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,
How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;
I see the blue above it;
And day by day this pathway smooths,
Since first I learned to love it.
The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,
A fountain ever springing;
All things are mine since I am his--
How can I keep from singing?

And the new one:

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

other things I've wanted to blog about

some more random stuff and links in no real order:

• My tribute to Michael Jackson: a clip from a made-for-internet movie that we watched in my Chinese media class: "007 vs. the Man in Black"
  

• World Vision's report on human trafficking
  

• "Pastor Dad" - an e-booklet by Mark Driscoll
  

• A quote from AC's If: "If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love.  For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even a drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted."
  

• I went skydiving with my dad!  You can tell from the pictures that I had fun!
  

Thoughts on the pictures (expressing my vanity): I look really good in these pictures, in my opinion.  Which is weird because I haven't showered, my hair is a mess, I'm sweaty, and obviously windblown after I land, still they're great pictures of me.  I had wondered if it was just the photographer...that's a sad way to look at things though.  I think, part of me needs to admit that when I am as happy and confident as I was in these pictures, I'm...beautiful.

The reason for my happiness/confidence: I had seen my dad skydive throughout my childhood.  Of course there was some fear and adrenaline, but if I'd just stop and remember that I've seen skydiving be successful many times before, and put trust in my tandem jumper, I'd be just fine.  So I just had to sit back and enjoy!

-->hear the spiritual implications?

Skydiving is not nearly as scary as moving to a foreign country.  But I'm doing that too, and hope that by remembering what my Father has done for me already and how He protects and shields me and "surrounds me with shouts of deliverance" I'll be okay.  So I hope I look just as good in all my pictures from Turkey :P

• My roommate Erin is getting married soon!  Woohoo!  Congrats Erin!
  

• Facebook again is crazy.  Appropriate behavior is difficult for me.  The balance between misuse and avoiding community is hard for me to find.  But my accountability partner Christina has internet access again, and she has been really good helping me.  And I really appreciate the support I've gotten from CESL friends (especially all you gila Indonesians!) and the encouragement from Villagers ^_^.  And even better~ Romans 6:1-2 "What shall I say then?  Shall I go on misusing time via Facebook so that grace may abound?  By no means!  I died to misusing time via Facebook; how can I live misusing time via Facebook any longer?"
  

• I had a great time in Irvine last month with my friends and I'm really looking forward to Seattle next week with Natsuko!
  

• I will leave for Turkey on August 20th and will arrive on August 21st.  The 21st is the night the month of Ramadan starts.  I'm excited to get to experience Ramadan in an Islamic country, especially Eid! (the celebration at the end of the fast)
  

• So this is somewhat old news but it made me happy.  The kid actors of Slumdog Millionaire Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail and Rubina Ali who have still been living in slums are being taken care of.
  

they're adorable!

some articles:

'Slumdog Millionaire' child star moves from slum shanty into new apartment

Slumdog Millionaire's Rubina Ali to release autobiography

Azhar has a new home and Rubina will have one soon, after both of their places had been demolished earlier this year.  Pray for the millions of kids in India and around the world who live in poverty and didn't get picked for a movie to get all this stuff.

• Satan hates me.  But he's defeated.  Thank You, Jesus.
  

• 2 things I'm really not good at: saying goodbye, and knowing what to do/say when my friends' relationships break up. :(  I've tried to blog about goodbyes many many times and still can't express everything.  I hate it.
  

• The Book of Acts is fascinating.
  

that's about it for now.

my prayer journal

I finished filling up this prayer journal a few weeks ago. I'm grateful for the time I've had to pray, causing it to fill up fast, but I wish I had more time with it; the design had so much character! I still remember my thought process when I bought it...

Wow, can you say "addict"?  Hmm, I like coffee...

(back cover)

Aww, cute lattes!  (look at front over again)...Oh, I get it!  It's a "coffee from around the world" journal!!

(inside front cover)

"muchas gracias!"  aww cute!!  And what's this? (The inside says "A cup of coffee commits one to forty years of friendship - Turkish Proverb")

A Turkish proverb?!?!  This journal was made for me!!  What's on the back cover?

(It says: "Black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as an angel, sweet as love.")

HAHAHAHAH!!!  Is this about coffee or a woman?  OK!  I may not have the same love affair with coffee as this guy, but it's still so funny! I'm buying it!

I never thought I would proudly own anything that speaks of the devil or hell in a positive light.  But now the inside surely doesn't.  Just like in my other journals, I can reread it and be reminded of and amazed at how that black-as-coffee loser has truly become more and more defeated in my life as Jesus and I enjoyed together many battles, praises, tears, requests, confessions, secrets, hopes, dreams, disappointments, struggles, songs, psalms, poems, sketches, encouragement, fears, funny experiences, pleas, and victories (all usually with a cup of coffee).  Not to blow my own horn, because God deserves all the glory for this, nor give praise to journals, because the power of prayer is God's alone, but I do think that one of the coolest things about prayer journals is being able to look back and just read about what God has done specifically, what I asked for and seeing how He answered, and seeing how He's growing me, hopefully to be more and more like Him.  He and I have been through many journals before and by His grace I'm confident there will only be many more to come.  Praying in a journal isn't for everyone, but I'm thankful for it.

I hope I can find cute, cheap journals in Turkey.

shame and guilt and glory

My previous post was the most random thing ever.  Sorry guys. o_O

I did just order The Weight of Glory on Amazon Marketplace.  We'll see what it's really like when it gets here.

All joking and Spongebob madness aside, "glory" is something I ponder about...

I think of glorified bodies...

the glorified body picture again.  Ok, so maybe I don't take glory that seriously... well, considering the context of the week this picture was taken...

I think about 1 Corinthians 11, what it means for men to be the glory of God and women to be the glory of man... how thems fightin' words for so many feminists, yet after studying what the Bible says about femininity and masculinity, I'm okay with it.  I'm still an image bearer of God and His glory as His creation and as a daughter of His Kingdom; glory of man is an added bonus!  "A ministry of beauty." :) And men need to hear more often that they're the glory of God.

My favorite fictional example of a woman being the glory of a man: Sandra from "Big Fish"

I also often think of glory as the opposite of shame.  Then many things come up when I think of shame.

Shame is a nasty little thing we can live under instead of Jesus' freedom.  It is often said that America has "guilt culture," where our operations and daily life revolve around administering and avoiding guilt.  Our law systems are built around guilt or innocence.  When someone "becomes a Christian" in America they often speak about how they were "guilty of sin" and Jesus cleared them from it.  This is all good.  But the other culture that exists in most of the world is "shame culture" which is a lot like guilt culture, except it adds into it a sense of community and relationships, where you fear adding shame to yourself because it removes you from a group, or adds dishonor to your group.  Daily activities and decisions are done to avoid shame.  Most of the non-Western world is shame culture, and most under this culture who either "become Christians" or just say they are "a follower of Jesus" rejoice in how Jesus clears their shame and is the answer for how to know God for their whole community.  Jesus died to free people from both shame and guilt, to make us right with the most important Relationship in our lives.  His death on the cross makes good relationships with others possible, too.

I don't know if it's because I hang out with so many Asians now or what, but I feel I associate more with shame than guilt in my life now.  Not exactly something to be applauded, because that's still not where God wants me.  But perhaps that's why I do love and identify with the stories of Jesus restoring people out of their shame and into glory.  The end of the Five Aspects of Woman study highlights the sinful woman in Luke 7 and the woman at the well in John 4, as well as David's songs of repentance and forgiveness in Psalm 32, 38, and 51.  And another story I've commented on before that I relate to a lot is the thief crucified next to Jesus.  All of these are stories of glory found from God's forgiveness and ultimately Jesus' sacrifice. I suppose all of them can be read as coming out of guilt too.  I guess that's the cool thing.  Jesus saves from guilt and shame, so we can live in freedom and love.  Wow.

Then Philippians 2:1-11 blows my mind.  talk about shame turning to GLORY!  And that's what God did for us!

Jesus the Messiah paid the ultimate sacrifice for me so that I don't have to live under shame or guilt, for it is taken away.  I can live in the freedom of forgiveness, and worship Him, as the Luke 7 woman did wiping His feet with her hair, or the John 4 woman who rejoiced and told her whole village of her redemption from "everything she did," or the thief who is still and will forevermore will be praising God for the life he received at the end of his sinful life.  And then He receives ultimate glory for taking that ultimate beating, through us being His bride that will live with Him in His kingdom forever!

So those are my real thoughts about glory ^_^

GLORY!

:D

So I just read this quote by C.S. Lewis from The Weight of Glory!

"Glory suggests two ideas to me, of which one seems wicked and the other ridiculous.  Either glory means to me fame, or it means luminosity.  As for the first, since to be famous means to be better known than other people, the desire for fame appears to me as a competitive passion and therefore of hell rather than heaven.  As for the second, who wishes to become a kind of living electric light bulb?"

haha!  for some reason I laughed a long time about this.

Now the book is called The Weight of Glory so I assume the rest of it is actually about the glory of God, etc. but I like how with this quote alone, glory is either this:

or this (about 40 seconds in, sped up to be legal)

oh, glory!...

...

In seriousness, my Bible study this past semester spent time focusing on the stories where Jesus turned the shame of some of the women he met into glory! Sweet!

:D

How do you respond to news?

I've gotten out of the habit of reading the news.

So when I did hear from a World Vision newsletter that the civil war in Sri Lanka had intensified greatly and moved north, I was surprised. I sponsor a girl in northern Sri Lanka.

And I got worried when I then read all the news about the war, how it had ended but how so many people were displaced or killed.

I started believing the worst and panicked. I thought maybe my girl was hurt or dead. I prayed a lot, but don't applaud me, because I was unhealthily anxious. My family got a little taste of this.

Well praise be to God, I heard today that her area was apparently unaffected by the war! She is safe!

But during my panic, and reading the news, I also began to realize...there were articles about new tragedies in Pakistan and North Korea and Bangladesh... I thought I followed these countries but apparently not. It took my girl for me to even notice. And Sri Lanka...many have died or are in camps with little access to aid, but now that my girl is okay, I'm okay? No - all of these events should break my heart!

Admittedly it does seem silly to ask why we can have more compassion on people or groups of people that we care about more. I really love my girl so of course I'd be concerned about her over others.

But God cares about all of these people! Equally! He loves them all!

Wouldn't that be cool if I could say I was totally broken over everyone suffering the conflict in Pakistan, or the AIDS crisis, or even my grandma's anxiety over some of her relationships. But I'm not.

Jesus is. That's why He came to die.

My love for people is so small and self-centered in comparison.

Praise the Lord, for He is a sovereign God who truly loves and cares for all the suffering people in the world. May we never think we love people more than He does, and may His love for all people and the mercy He has had on us motivate us to respond like He did.

Mark 1:14-15 After John was put in prison, Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God. "The time has come," he said. "The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!"

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Please pray for your family and friends and people on the news and everyone.

Senior Slideshow!!!

What an amazing four years it has been!!!

Thanks Katie for making the video!

after today!

One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite movies!!!



(tomorrow is my last day of hard classes! woohoo!!)

Just saw Slumdog Millionaire

I loved it! Go see it!

Now a lot of people would tell me to just enjoy a movie, don't look much into it. Well those people need to just accept that that's really hard for me to do. Actually, it's impossible! I really am sorry!

So, I DID enjoy this movie, very much.

But while watching it I had an assignment, to be able to report back to Jon H. if it's "good" or not. Well, ok, yes, the simple answer to that is "GOOD!" And driving back from the theater I was thinking of how I could tell him it was really good. And then I thought:

"What makes this movie really good is that God can use it." Yay! It's a kind of moving movie that can make people respond and do something about injustice! Maybe even do crazy things like go to India and help orphaned children!

But then on arriving back home, I had a disturbing thought.

What if people don't respond?

What if from the millions of people who see this movie, everyone feels so good about themselves that they just keep going on with everything they've always done. It was just a movie. Bad things like that don't really happen, right? Even if it did, God's in control and poor kids in India can go on Who Wants to be a Millionaire so I don't have to do anything about all those disturbing images I saw, right?

I think of a part in Hotel Rwanda where one character talks about how all the people in America would hear about the crisis, then they'd say that's awful, then continue on with their lives. That was just as disturbing as seeing the rest of the movie.

Well, is Christy going to India to help orphaned children? No...but...

Here's the thing. I really do not want to toot my own horn or lift myself up. I wish I could say I always do what I'm told, but I don't. But, I just do honestly feel burdened, and I do want to call people to listen to what God could be calling them to do...

I am not going to India, but I am going to Turkey. I'm pretty sure Turkey is nothing like the slums of India, especially Ankara, where I'll be teaching English at a really awesome International University. In fact, I hear Ankara is the most modern city in Turkey (it is the capital...), and that I will probably feel like I'm in Western Europe often. And teaching English is not the same as feeding or caring for orphaned children...

But if I'm supposed to go to Turkey, I'm going. Is it my first choice? Is it what I think could be most enjoyable for me? Is it what I think can secure things I really want? No. In fact I have great fear because although I believe going to Turkey is going to be AMAZING and full of blessings, the answer to those questions is "no." Really, the most attractive thing about going to Turkey is "God's calling." Or Allah's, given the context. To go with Slumdog Millionaire, you could call it "destiny," I guess.

If God called me to go to India and help orphaned children, would I do it?

I don't know. I hope so.

If God called you, would you?

Have you ever thought about it? Has he? Could he? Would you listen?

To be fair, I actually have a lot of good friends who have made hard decisions and have or are leaving comfort to do what they know they should do. That's pretty cool. And although many have been, not all of those decisions have been decisions to go to some strange country to do some great quest for love and justice. Some of them have just gone away from familiarity or comfort, or taken a risk to their security by giving money or doing a job that may honor God more but doesn't give as big rewards in this life. And I know others who want to do these things, but health keeps them here. I support that. And you are not who I'm talking to here.

But in general, Americans really do love their comfort and security a little too much. They say the big stuff is for someone else, but I couldn't leave my family and friends (or bring them with me [do not forget that that's an option!]). They may say they have too good of a "ministry" here, or that they believe that if God wants them to be happy, he'd never tell them to do something too risky, too out-of-line of what they'd planned for their life.

Have they ever thought about if God would have something different? Because yes, God does want his people to be happy, but too many people are missing out!!

Who's to say you wouldn't find more fulfillment and happiness doing something you've never planned of doing, over your secure comfortable job? You could be missing out!

And what about those unhappy people you could be meeting/helping? The kids in SM were actors. But there's real kids like that everywhere! And real conflicts, real suffering! What if it was your family being caught in a war, or your son hungry, or your daughter sold to prostitution? Wouldn't you care? Wouldn't you want to do something, or have someone come help you? They are missing out!

All people are made in the image of God. And he loves every one of them.

If we love God, how should we respond to this?

Pray that people would respond!! And do something yourself!

sorry if it was harsh. I learned in psychology class that when you sacrifice for something, it's natural to want to demand others to do the same, or get upset when others don't do the same. but there's no humility in that, and I don't want to be that way. I'm sorry.

but have not love, I am nothing

oh Jon Foreman.

"Revenge"

I'm the failure
I'm everyone's fool
And I'm losing my cool at the end

I'm the loser
My number's come up
I've been hung up with thoughts of
Revenge,
Revenge,
Revenge

I watched you
From my terminal view
As you struggled to rise to your end

I laughed hard
At the insults we threw
As the weight of the world found
Revenge

The world hung upside down
I drew first blood
I drew first blood
With my hate for a crown
I drew first blood
I drew first blood
Revenge

I watched heaven
Dying today
And I'm gonna die here tonight

I'm a villain
I deserve to be dead
I've been hung up for
Wreckin' my life
Revenge

So I stopped for a moment
To look at the sun
Dying today

That's when the irony hit me
That this was revenge
Love had descended
And stolen our pain
Away

We consumed heaven's Son
I drew first blood
I drew first blood
My hate was undone
I drew first blood
I drew first blood
Revenge

Here's a story
How a thief had been robbed
How a murder had stolen my rage

Think of me, Lord
I'm a few breaths away
As my lungs finally rip from the
Cage...
Revenge

...ok, wow. I've heard this song plenty of times before, and I've been thinking about this song all day and how the words are just perfect for me right now. I only just now realized that this is yet another song where the speaker of the song is the thief on the cross next to Jesus.

well, that makes even more sense then. That thief and I have a lot in common.

Father, forgive me. For if I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

May I be a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal no longer.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This is how You have loved me. Oh Father, may the price You paid rob me of my hate. I want to love like You do so much, but fail every day. And You still say, "there is no condemnation!" because of the price You paid. Because of the price You paid, may I love!

and please bring reconciliation among Your people - For Your name's sake! ...Amen.

My Lord is loving and strong.

On my mind...

for various reasons.

Phil. 1:18b-26 "Yes, and I will rejoice, ¹⁹for I know that^A)"> through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, ²⁰as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. ²¹For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. ²²If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. ²³ I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. ²⁴But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. ²⁵ Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, ²⁶so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again."

Our "glorified bodies." lolI think it's just starting to occur to me just how much my life was and will be affected by that summer. (perhaps ironic for those who have been around me and seen it).

my way of thinking about life and death really is different than others'!

and I hope my life can have as much of an impact as some of those before me.

thanks John, for your example.

Indonesians!

I will write a more detailed post soon (a lot's been going on!)

But I thought I'd quickly give more evidence that my life is amazing! these are my gila Indonesian friends!!

so much better than the original!*

...

They'll soon be returning to their home country. Just like how my good friend Makiko just returned back to Japan.

I must admit, having to say goodbye so much is not one of my favorite parts of my life...

;_;

*edit: by better than the original I mean, so much better than the original Youtube video of some boys lip syncing to "Marimar." Not better than the original Indonesian group! All the Indonesians that have come to CESL have been awesome!

authentic

I haven't posted in a while. I really want to. I've been really busy.

I'll write a real post soon, but just to revive my blog...I thought this was crazy:

So I was helping the new group of Tokyo International University students settle into UofA today. This included getting them a Catcard and setting up their meal plan.

So in the meal plan office, there's a list of all the places on campus the meal plan can be used. Each location has a small description of the place. For example, Burger King's was "burgers and fries made your way" or something like that.

What was messed up was that Panda Express was labeled as: "authentic Chinese food"

have you ever heard anything so absurd?!

God's love

I've been learning about God's love since I became a Christian. It's amazing how there's always more to learn, and more to chew on with things he's already taught me.

Thinking on my college experience, there have been a few revelations about God's love that I would dwell on for some time.

In Japan and the following year it was God's perfect love for all people, whether they knew him or not.

Most of 2007 it was God's jealous love that would not tolerate idols in my life, demanding my love as he poured out his. This was really difficult and painful. It was worth it.

In 2008 it was that God's love is strong. Yeah, it's the name of my favorite song. But praise God that my stubborn heart has gained something. I've been blown away. He is fierce, he is terrifying, he loves me. He'll protect me, and he died for me. Even after all my whorings (yay ESV lingo...really no word puts it better.)

I think anything else I could learn about God's love can be summed up in God's love is strong. Not that I'm done learning about it, it's just been such a solid truth...

Now Paul says "Be imitators of God, as beloved children" which is to "walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." (Eph. 5:1-2). What a hard act to follow. I just fail at love. In fact, one of the persons most dear to me has told me that because I did not love her well, she now loves her sin. She has her own things to deal with, but what about me? What a wretch I truly am! How many others have turned away from faith because of me? how many relationships are forever ruined because I have not loved well like my Lord? I know I am not responsible for everyone and their "reaction" to me...but I do have some responsibility, right? I feel awful.

And then Christ has died for this too? what a scandal. No one can love like him. I'm supposed to imitate him? Is this supposed to feel like a burden?...

Two concepts of God's love have been pounding me this winter break. One is how a man's love for a woman in marriage is an image of Christ's love for the church as outlined in the rest of Eph 5, certainly that's on my mind because this has been a winter break of weddings.

The other is a phrase that's repeated a lot among my friends: God loves us perfectly just as we are, but God loves us so much that he won't let us stay the way we are.

I love this. I've seen this. When I continue to love my idols, my ways, my self, God loves me still...but he doesn't tolerate the sin. And whatever it takes, he shows me: he loves me, and because he loves me he died for me so I can leave the sin and know his love more; he died for me so I could be dead to sin and alive in Christ; he died so I can change from my sinful ways and rejoice in him more. it's like hosea 6. and it's painful, but I know God more...what a joy!

How do we imitate this? If I try, it feels like judging the other person. Is it judging? Do I want to call it love but is it just judging? Actually, knowing me...probably. I know I'm a judgmental person, and that it is a sickening sin that keeps me from God and other people. And it's a sin that God won't tolerate, in his love. I hope that's why I'm so convicted of it now - because God is working on removing it. I want it to be gone. And I want to love. But then, when is it in love to tell someone to leave their sin? Maybe it totally will be, but I still fail. I love in a fallen way. And that just hurts other people and makes relationships worse. crap.

Then God redeems everything. Because of his love. Because of what he accomplished on the cross.

Seriously? what is this love I know, but can't comprehend!? I'm supposed to imitate it! I can't, I fail! He covers and redeems that too! What?! God's love is unlike anything!

God's love is perfect, jealous, strong. He is righteous and merciful in a way I can never be but looooong to learn. In his perfect love for himself he casts out the wicked and pours out his wrath. In his perfect love for himself he also loves the world and sent his Son, to pour out his wrath on him to be the propitiation of the sins of the wicked who trust him. Somehow I'm caught in this love story. It's amazing. I can't contain it. It's worth living for. It's worth telling everyone about...everyone needs to know about this. It's worth dying for.

I will love imperfectly, in a fallen state, until I'm with him. Until then he'll teach me more about his love, and I'll try to imitate as best as I can, because he's my Daddy. And when I fail - I always will - he can make it right. In him alone we have the hope of true love in a fallen world.

crazy.

okay, gotta stop now. I hope this made sense. It still doesn't quite make sense to me.

one thing I've always despaired about is how I'm awful at effectively expressing things. But if God's love is what I'm interested in, then I gotta get over that...and trust him.