Passover

by Team Strike Force. Click here to hear my Tucson church, The Village, singing it (and Laelia's cello!)

Pass over me;
Let your wrath pass over me.
May your grace stay with me,
and your mercy.

Take all of me!
Let me glorify you!
For your glory,
let it be manifest to all.

Take the first of my thought.
Take the first of my time.
Take the throne of my heart.

Paint my doorway
with the blood of the Lamb.
A sacrifice
for all who dwell within.

You gave your word,
and took it to the grave.
For your glory,
let it be manifest to all.

Take the first of my thought!
Take the first of my time!
Take the throne of my heart!

Crush all other gods!
You alone sit on the throne!
Take me
Take my all!
Father! Take me!
Take me home!
On my
On my way!
On my way back
way back home!

over the river

some of this song is based off of Romans 8, my favorite chapter of the Bible.

...I don't know what he means by "love is something I've never known." Meh. I'll change the last line to "home is somewhere I've never known" again when I sing this to my future children, Inşallah...

Over the River by Jon Foreman

Hush, Hush, Hush …
I heard a sound come from the ground
All of the trees are a buzz
Talking in tongues, talking with lungs
Talking of freedom

All of the earth is soon to give birth
Look at the mountains alive
Birds and the bees, insects and leaves
All of us longing, longing for home
Home, home is somewhere I’ve never known

Over the river
Over the river
I’ve set my hope
Over the river
Over the river
I’ll find my hope in You, You

Death, where is your sting?
Your signet ring?
Where is your power?
Why all this war?
Death to the score
Nations are fading

Kingdom of light, setting us right
Finally human
Give me a tongue
It will be done
Inside I’m longing, longing for love
Love, love is something I’ve never known

Over the river
Over the river
I found my hope
Over the river
Over the river
I found my hope in you

Hush, Hush, Hush...

"Red Eyes" by Switchfoot

what are you waiting for,
the day is gone?
I said I'm waiting for dawn

what are you aiming for
out here alone?
I said I'm aiming for home

holding on, holding on

with red eyes
What are you looking for?
with red eyes
red eyes

all of my days are spent
within this skin
within this cage that I'm in

nowhere feels safe to me
nowhere feels home
even in crowds I'm alone

holding on, holding on

every now and then I see you dreaming
every now and then I see you cry
every now and then I see you reaching,
reaching for the other side
what are you waiting for?

I'm trying to blog again (key word: trying)

what do you say to revive your blog, when you've had probably the 7 most exciting months of your entire life...but also the busiest? I'm way behind.

In summary...it's been very hard but very great.

I've lost a lot of former conveniences, like a car, and, well, a common language with the majority of people. I'm far from my family and friends. I'm living alone. And I think one of the hardest things is loosing my life as an undergrad student...and starting a real job. I miss my days of "occupation: student" at UofA and being a "professional friend" at CESL.

But all of these were to pass eventually.

So considering that reality...I love Turkey.

here's some ways Turkey has changed me:

1. I like spicy food. My palate has changed completely!
2. I can drink ayran! What?! ptl!
3. I can buy dresses here! For modesty convictions, shopping was near impossible in America.
4. Related to this, I can say that now...I care about how I look more. Not that I didn't before, but I suppose that since in America everyone has an "anything's fine" attitude, I'd be happy to wear a sweatshirt, jeans, and flip flops everyday if I could. Not that I don't love hoodies anymore, but it's not my primary choice. And in America, even at work or a formal event, I would still rarely wear heels, and never would I wear tights/nylons (the latter may be an Arizonan thing...donno). Well, now I do. Although I must admit, I still feel clueless in how to buy çoraplar (a general term for socks/nylons/tights/leggings/etc.). Most of the crazy designs my students wear still don't appeal to my own style.
5. I expect tea after meals when eating out. And when going out with friends, or going to someone's house.
6. I will wonder what I should say back in America when I would normally say Turkish phrases like "afiyet olsun" (said to people eating), "kolay gelsin" (lit. "may it come easily for you," said kind of like "good luck" but also can be said to random people working anywhere), "geçmis olsun," ("may it be passed" after something is over with, or when someone's not feeling well)
7. I never say "sick" or "peach" - it's "ill" or Turkish "hasta" for sick, and just "şeftalı" for the fruit. That's just the way it is.
8. I've picked up odd English phrases that are from Turkish English speakers or even British English - "most probably," "have a look," "lift," "very significant for people life" (that's from my students)...that's what I can think of now. And this started before Turkey, but "see you" (as opposed to the more American "see ya" or "see you later") is fossilized.

I can't say I've adapted completely. I can't say it feels like home. But, I know, I can't say that "home" feels like home either, or ever really did. I know I had a hard time adapting to my own culture in America just as I am now in TC. So I think being pulled from familiarity to live and let a new place become familiar has actually really helped me.

Mark R used to say that the less you feel at home anywhere, the better. Because we aren't home.

This reality doesn't frustrate me anymore. I know I have to be patient. But really, the wait is not all that bad, no matter how difficult work is, or dark and evil this world is. It's not bad in comparison to the glory that's to come. My hugest comfort here has been Jesus' words "And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

He has been here with me. He's shown that to be undeniable.

I love him.

Daphne sent me a story about another woman, a Brazilian, who lived in Turkey for a little while and now lives in England. She said "Home...is at the epicentre of God's will"

Switchfoot's lyrics still mean a lot to me. "I've been poisoned, I've been raped, I've been burned again. I've seen ashes shine like chrome. Someday I'll see home." And so many more songs that I can share (I think I will).

I can't express how hard it's been. And I can't have any expectations that it will ever get better or easier. But I've made great friends, had wonderful, unforgettable times, and I know God more. What more can I ask for? ...And I may not feel the same tomorrow. And tomorrow may not be what I want. But he is good despite my feelings and plans. I have hope that greater things will continue, and be all the more meaningful.

Until I'm home.