Speaking of masks...

Back off evildooers! I'm a vending machine! o_O

Full Article here

Picture slideshow here

I like this quote: "The fact that such ideas were greeted with straight faces, or even appeared at all, underscores Japanese society's fondness for oddball ideas and inventions."

Oh Japan, I love you a lot :)

A weekend in Phoenix

I'm back in Phoenix for the first time since my return from San Francisco. It's been interesting; my mom left to see her friend in Virginia Friday night, so it's been just me and my step dad. But it might be one of my best trips yet.

It started off a little rocky. I'm done with school by 1:00 on Fridays, but because there is usually a meeting for freshman Bible study leaders at 4:00 I stuck around. It wasn't until 4:10 that I learned the meeting was canceled. An honest mistake; the announcement was accidentally left out in the email. And everyone else knew it was canceled. So I was a little bummed that, like, I could have had 3 more hours to see my mom had I known and all, but I'll admit, what really bothered me was that the thought of "why was I the ONLY ONE who didn't know it was canceled?" plaugued me for the first part of the I-10.

Well the answer is simple. MOST freshman Bible study leaders are on staff. the rest probably heard from their staff partners. I can't blame Krista because when I talked about it the night before she didn't seem to know it was canceled. I just didn't luck out.

But of course my thoughts then trained off to more thinking, like why was this getting at me so hard, or why, with no one to blame, I was just sad again.

I came to think about last spring break, and was surprised at my memories...

Here's me, joyfully snapping a shot to remember how I was left behind at a restaurant in Mexico. Here, I'm talking to my mother, who's getting really upset by how much I'm laughing. I giggle as I tell her all the information I can about my location, in case I get kidnapped. I'm abandoned in Mexico! How funny!

"Christy, this is not funny! You are ALONE in a FOREIGN COUNTRY! You don't know the language...!"

"Yeah, but God'll protect me! I'll get a hold of the group eventually! I'm gonna be fine!"

And sure enough, about an hour later I'm safe and sound with the group again, watching the sunset behind a soccer game and saying "I love you" to a gang of little Mexican children, who'd I'd even get to see my prayers for them answered a few months later.

It didn't even occur to me until Hannah and Coleen prayed for me when I returned to the church that I should feel left behind. "Lord, please, if Satan's speaking any lies to Christy's heart about feeling unloved or forgotten by being left behind earlier today, please just erase them, and let her know that she is so loved by all of us," they prayed. "Don't worry about me with that," I said after they were done, "I don't feel that way at all. I was seriously laughing the whole time." "Well that's good to hear, but if you did feel that way we seriously wouldn't want you to. We would never mean to make you feel abandoned, so, feel the love now!" they said (or something like that).

So who knew that would speak to me now?

I can't figure out what caused the change between then and now. I wasn't wearing a mask back then - I genuinely was just joyful in the Lord and how He was working in me and around me. I didn't fear being alone because Christ was with me. I felt honored to get to have a little personal experience different from everyone else's and that I knew the whole episode was just God drawing me towards Him a little more.

So I've spent some time talking with God about how I feel now. I admitted that I, for some reason, have not been able to believe that I could possibly be lovable with all my "issues," all the awful things I've done and ways I've hurt people recently, and just that I cry too much and think too much. And that if I were a different person I'd be more lovable. I repented for lying since I said just the night before that I believed all the things in the chapter we were discussing, Psalm 139.

Recently I asked Krista if not wearing a mask means I'll never be able to say that "I'm fine" again. And she said, well, yeah, we're always going to have trials and issues. Some good days and some bad days. That bummed me out a little.

But then what is it that knowing God so great? We have GRACE and HOPE in Him! On our bad days we have hope in a Savior who loves us, came for us, and is coming back for us. And we receive perfect grace for our sins from Him. Why am I so upset over the fact that I'm not perfect lately? I can't be. And that's where grace comes in, grace from God and grace from my friends who all know me and still love me. And I get to show grace to my friends too. How beautiful. Grace rocks. And I do still long to be sanctified, but I'd be blind if I said that God wasn't in that process.. He also reminded me this weekend of a little sticky note I had seen this summer that said something like "Receive Him today, trusting His leading me." In all situations I can trust He's leading me and making me more like Him. And wow, He only sees righteousness...that's crazy.

I guess we can never be told that truth enough?

So I've spent this weekend, besides working on a ton of homework (and I still have more! ugh!), trying to just enjoy myself, and enjoy God. I've spent a lot of time finding old dresses of mine and trying them on and looking at myself in them. None of them are very formal; most of them are Easter dresses, but they're still pretty. He has made me a pretty woman. One of the dresses I actually made my freshman year of high school in sewing class, and it actually still fits me. I hope no one thinks I'm vain by writing all of this. It really was just a fun discovery...I don't think I thought about how I was beautiful the last time I wore these. Now, I'm excited to take all these dresses back to Tucson and wait for an opportunity to wear them. Also, one I found was my Symphony Orch gown. It's black and long and super-fun...and super-perfect for being Elphaba for Halloween! I found an old green turtleneck to wear underneath it to make my body green too! I'm excited! Anyone want to be Glinda?

And then I watched my favorite scenes from Beauty and the Beast: The "Something's There" scene, the Transformation scene, and of course the ballroom scene. In the ballroom scene is my favorite moment of Beauty and the Beast: when Belle rests her head on the Beast's chest, and he looks down, then excitedly looks up with a huge grin at Lumiere and Cogsworth, and they cheer him on. And then I watched the special feature segment where my favorite Disney animator, Glen Keane, talks about the transformation scene and how 2 Corinthians 5:17 was his inspiration for animating, and how he loves the biblical idea of a beast turning into a prince. And for the first time in a long time, I'm no longer ashamed to have a favorite Disney animator or a favorite 5 second moment in a Disney movie. Maybe I enjoy animation more than the average adult. Maybe that's weird. Maybe that's okay.

Then came time for the entire reason why I came back; to go to a meeting at my old church, East Valley, about summer trips to Morocco. I must say I am very happy I went. The testimonies I heard did get me excited, for just...people and God's kingdom. My old discipleship leader, Donna, was there, and I got to chat with her and a few other people, mostly adults, who actually remembered me and loved me. Yes, I am different now from the average EVBC-er (I found out that yet another friend is getting ready to be hitched soon) but I am extremely grateful again for growing up there, and super impressed by how they are still passionate about making sure Christ is above all and gets all the glory, even with all they have to show off (it's a huge church, and they just finished building a fancy modern coffee house for its members to enjoy...for HIS glory! yum..) Quite honestly, before now I had kinda had the attitude that people weren't growing at EVBC anymore, because I've grown so much without them. Now I'm happy to say I was wrong.

Also I got to spend some time with my dad. He washed my car for me and found me an old witch hat and broom for my Elphaba costume. I offered to make dinner, but he said we could go to Quizno's. So we went, and he got to striking up a friendly conversation with the manager that entertained me a lot. And when he talked to me, he was SUPPORTIVE of me going to teach somewhere this summer..this is huge! Especially considering I've tried to avoid talking about it as much as possible to my parents! SERIOUSLY, WHAT A BLESSING! Pray that God will continue to soften their hearts!

And...I saw a shooting star, in Phoenix. One of my reasons for liking Tucson and not Phoenix is the stars. Lord, thank You for the shooting star.

I didn't expect to be met so much in such short time. I don't think this will mark an instant change in me where I'm gonna snap back into happy mode. But I think things are different. I feel more on my way to trusting God at a more deeper level. Trusting Him with my future and my past. And relying on His strength today.

I expect I'll be laughing soon.

Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me, and know my anxieties. And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:23-24

I can't run away

Liz and I are going to take an online 45-hour TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) Course to get a basic TEFL Certificate that can be used to get a good job overseas.

As we've watched teams come back from their overseas trips and share that experience with their teammates in Arizona, we feel a little like we've missed that. Liz was the only one from our region to go to Argentina last summer, and since my experience was still so different from Ryan and Mike's in Japan (because I'm a girl), we both feel like we'd like to go somewhere together so we can have each other to lean on when we get back.

We want to go to a place this summer different from where we could see ourselves going after college (I'm still thinking Japan, she's still thinking Argentina).

We want to be challenged...

But one thought that's plauged me that I don't think has bothered Liz much is that...I think one of the primary reasons I want to go is that I'm just so terrified of the idea of another summer stuck in Arizona. I don't want a repeat of last summer. I'll go ANYWHERE else... I want to run away.

The selfishness of this bothers me. And it's not that I hate Arizona. I enjoy it a lot and the ways God pursues me and others here. I love Tucson and the University and saying that I'm from this beautiful land of saguaros...

But I feel like...this summer just hurt me. And this whole semester I've been recovering. And in the Spring semester...I'll be recovering from the wounds of this semseter.

But my feelings aren't even true. Last summer, working and vacationing and such, isn't what hurt me; it's the fact that God's been digging out long-suppressed wounds that's made everything so hard. Wounds that make it so easy for others to hurt me, thus hurting my relationships so much. And I can't idolize my experience or perceptions of life in other countries...my Lord will do all in His power to prevent me from doing that. He's working on HEALING me.

I'm thankful that He's that way.

But it still hurts...

umm...

...

Well because I don't have much time to draw, people can know that when I do draw something, that it's on my mind a lot.. So considering I took the time to COLOR this too (which I haven't colored any drawing of mine since before high school graduation), it's pretty significant...

Recognize it? It's Eustace and Aslan. I wish Aslan looked cooler and stronger; I looked at a dragon picture for reference but not a lion. Oh well...

Anyways, for those who aren't familiar with the story, in the Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the character of Eustace is introduced. He's a cousin of the Pevinsies and he's a little brat. He's always complaining and think's he's a know it all and he never wanted to go to Narnia in the first place. When the crew stops on an island during their adventure, he runs off and ...gets himself turned into a dragon. Being a huge ugly dragon changes him; he's given a lot of grace from his friends, and he decides he doesn't want to be the way he was before, but he's still a dragon. And since he's so big and has to eat a lot, he can't get on the boat. No one wants to leave him on the island alone (which is more undeserved grace that he appreciates) but he feels bad for holding everyone back. He's truly sorry for what he's done..

So he goes off and tries to scratch all the scales off himself. It doesn't work, but he keeps on trying, because he doesn't want to be a dragon anymore. Then Aslan comes to him. He says He can remove his scales, so he lets Him, but it hurts! Aslan bites and claws and rips off his dragon flesh, and for a second Eustace thinks he'd rather go back to trying to scratch them off himself. But Aslan reminds him that it won't work. The Lion must do it, and it will hurt...but he'll be a boy again. So Eustace endures, and by the end of the night, Eustace is his old self again, except completely brand new from Aslan's work in him.

...I've been telling people that this is how I've felt. I asked God to remove the junk from me, but I didn't realize how many scales I really had. But if I try to get rid of them in a non-painful way it doesn't solve anything. The Lord's clawing hurts, but that's what'll lead me to know what Christ has changed me into: the new creation that's dying to live for Him. People can't see Christ in me with the scales, the masks, covering Him in me.

Ohh it's been HARD!

But I trust it'll be worth it. It will be...

Last week Krista read Hosea 2:14-23 with me again. My translation doesn't explain that the "Valley of Achor" means "Valley of Trouble," so she pointed that out to me in hers. "So, He'll make the Valley of Trouble into a door of Hope. Common, let God speak that comfort to you. Let Him say that truth to you, that out of all of this, you ARE gonna come out through that door of hope!"

I've thought about how much I feel like I've been the woman BEFORE verse 14, in the Valley of Trouble, who ran out and worshiped the Baals and had God strip her naked and slay her with thrist and all that junk...I can't forget that the woman from verse 14 on is that same woman, that everything the Lord ever does for her is filled with so much grace and love, all to bring her to greater, perfect intimacy with Him.

Going to Morocco, Egypt, Japan, Timbuktu, or Espresso Art isn't going to lead me closer to Him, nor will Tucson or Gilbert or anywhere else pull me away. Jesus is jealous for my heart and He won't stand anything else getting in the way. He'll fight to keep me His, and He'll heal me...

"'And it shall be, in that day,' says the Lord, 'That you will call Me "My Husband," and no longer call Me "My Master," for I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals, and they shall be remembered by their name no more.'"

Lord, thank You for not giving up on me.

I'll also list as quick as I can all the blessings of this semester:

Krista, my Junior Bible Study, my Freshman Bible Study, the Nav Junior class, Jennifer Smith, Stacy, Bryce Bouchard and his family and example, my hall, my SIJ team, and my CESL job.

I'd love to write more about the love and grace and lessons I've gotten from each. But I hope everyone can understand how hard it's been for me to write anything (this is the 4th attempted real post since school started). I'll try to give more little posts more often from now on.

So pray for HIS LEADING for me, for this semester, next semester, next summer, and the rest of my life...thank you.