As we've watched teams come back from their overseas trips and share that experience with their teammates in Arizona, we feel a little like we've missed that. Liz was the only one from our region to go to Argentina last summer, and since my experience was still so different from Ryan and Mike's in Japan (because I'm a girl), we both feel like we'd like to go somewhere together so we can have each other to lean on when we get back.
We want to go to a place this summer different from where we could see ourselves going after college (I'm still thinking Japan, she's still thinking Argentina).
We want to be challenged...
But one thought that's plauged me that I don't think has bothered Liz much is that...I think one of the primary reasons I want to go is that I'm just so terrified of the idea of another summer stuck in Arizona. I don't want a repeat of last summer. I'll go ANYWHERE else... I want to run away.
The selfishness of this bothers me. And it's not that I hate Arizona. I enjoy it a lot and the ways God pursues me and others here. I love Tucson and the University and saying that I'm from this beautiful land of saguaros...
But I feel like...this summer just hurt me. And this whole semester I've been recovering. And in the Spring semester...I'll be recovering from the wounds of this semseter.
But my feelings aren't even true. Last summer, working and vacationing and such, isn't what hurt me; it's the fact that God's been digging out long-suppressed wounds that's made everything so hard. Wounds that make it so easy for others to hurt me, thus hurting my relationships so much. And I can't idolize my experience or perceptions of life in other countries...my Lord will do all in His power to prevent me from doing that. He's working on HEALING me.
I'm thankful that He's that way.
But it still hurts...
umm...
...
Well because I don't have much time to draw, people can know that when I do draw something, that it's on my mind a lot.. So considering I took the time to COLOR this too (which I haven't colored any drawing of mine since before high school graduation), it's pretty significant...
Recognize it? It's Eustace and Aslan. I wish Aslan looked cooler and stronger; I looked at a dragon picture for reference but not a lion. Oh well...
Anyways, for those who aren't familiar with the story, in the Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the character of Eustace is introduced. He's a cousin of the Pevinsies and he's a little brat. He's always complaining and think's he's a know it all and he never wanted to go to Narnia in the first place. When the crew stops on an island during their adventure, he runs off and ...gets himself turned into a dragon. Being a huge ugly dragon changes him; he's given a lot of grace from his friends, and he decides he doesn't want to be the way he was before, but he's still a dragon. And since he's so big and has to eat a lot, he can't get on the boat. No one wants to leave him on the island alone (which is more undeserved grace that he appreciates) but he feels bad for holding everyone back. He's truly sorry for what he's done..
So he goes off and tries to scratch all the scales off himself. It doesn't work, but he keeps on trying, because he doesn't want to be a dragon anymore. Then Aslan comes to him. He says He can remove his scales, so he lets Him, but it hurts! Aslan bites and claws and rips off his dragon flesh, and for a second Eustace thinks he'd rather go back to trying to scratch them off himself. But Aslan reminds him that it won't work. The Lion must do it, and it will hurt...but he'll be a boy again. So Eustace endures, and by the end of the night, Eustace is his old self again, except completely brand new from Aslan's work in him.
...I've been telling people that this is how I've felt. I asked God to remove the junk from me, but I didn't realize how many scales I really had. But if I try to get rid of them in a non-painful way it doesn't solve anything. The Lord's clawing hurts, but that's what'll lead me to know what Christ has changed me into: the new creation that's dying to live for Him. People can't see Christ in me with the scales, the masks, covering Him in me.
Ohh it's been HARD!
But I trust it'll be worth it. It will be...
Last week Krista read Hosea 2:14-23 with me again. My translation doesn't explain that the "Valley of Achor" means "Valley of Trouble," so she pointed that out to me in hers. "So, He'll make the Valley of Trouble into a door of Hope. Common, let God speak that comfort to you. Let Him say that truth to you, that out of all of this, you ARE gonna come out through that door of hope!"
I've thought about how much I feel like I've been the woman BEFORE verse 14, in the Valley of Trouble, who ran out and worshiped the Baals and had God strip her naked and slay her with thrist and all that junk...I can't forget that the woman from verse 14 on is that same woman, that everything the Lord ever does for her is filled with so much grace and love, all to bring her to greater, perfect intimacy with Him.
Going to Morocco, Egypt, Japan, Timbuktu, or Espresso Art isn't going to lead me closer to Him, nor will Tucson or Gilbert or anywhere else pull me away. Jesus is jealous for my heart and He won't stand anything else getting in the way. He'll fight to keep me His, and He'll heal me...
"'And it shall be, in that day,' says the Lord, 'That you will call Me "My Husband," and no longer call Me "My Master," for I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals, and they shall be remembered by their name no more.'"
Lord, thank You for not giving up on me.
I'll also list as quick as I can all the blessings of this semester:
Krista, my Junior Bible Study, my Freshman Bible Study, the Nav Junior class, Jennifer Smith, Stacy, Bryce Bouchard and his family and example, my hall, my SIJ team, and my CESL job.
I'd love to write more about the love and grace and lessons I've gotten from each. But I hope everyone can understand how hard it's been for me to write anything (this is the 4th attempted real post since school started). I'll try to give more little posts more often from now on.
So pray for HIS LEADING for me, for this semester, next semester, next summer, and the rest of my life...thank you.
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