I still believe

I've started to write many posts lately, but just haven't been able to finish them.

The thing is, I'm just not alright. I'm not okay. I can't think of the last time I've felt this bad. And it's been since before Week in the Word. It won't go away!

People leaving, feeling rejected, feeling distant from God, crying almost every night, feeling depressed, getting so frustrated at my CESL job that SHOULD be awesome but isn't, being exhausted to where I either don't want to be around people anymore or to where I want to be around people but can't be, and not knowing why this season won't go away. I pray, a lot. I tell God almost every night that I'm tired of crying and I want to be healed from whatever this is! I've kept in His Word, and might learn a lot in a day, but the truths don't seem to stick to my heart. I ask Him in my pain what He thinks of me and I know what that is: immeasurable love! But what I believe about me seems to always trump what He says lately. I've asked for help from others, and have been given it, and though it has been good wisdom, here I am still. And now I'm even starting to feel sick. And I haven't been eating well, though I've tried. My stomach hurts.

Truths I try to remember:
1. I can't fix this. It's foolish for me to try to do anything on my own. God has to do it. (Prov 28:26)
2. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, so I can boast in my weakness, so Christ's power may take over. (2 Corin. 12:9)
3. Is. 41:10 - "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
4. I am saved from my sin through Christ's sacrifice, and there's no condemnation! And how huge that is, that I can't ignore it. (Rom. 8:1, Heb2:3)
5. All of Romans 8.

But like I said already, it sure doesn't seem like these stick to me enough, at least enough for me to feel like I don't really have to do anything, He's really strengthening me, that I really don't have to fear or be dismayed, that I'm really not condemned, that all He does is good, that I'm not separated from Him, etc.

People keep telling me to read Hosea 2 lately. Funny how I didn't even know that passage existed before the prayer retreat. It is beautiful, but...it even doesn't seem to encourage me for very long. In fact I honestly feel a little mad for how long I've been kept in the wilderness, but haven't felt like singing yet. Praise Him for His grace towards my bitter attitude.

But I guess that's what keeps me going, the hope that this is going to pass, this is just a process and it's going to be worth it, that this is all part of His strategy in pursuing my heart and refining me. And that at the end I really will be happy that it all brought me closer to Christ. And that someday I'll be with Him! And how much hope I got last year in the fact that that day is really really soon and we should be looking forward to it. As Joni summed it up, "Jesus is coming back for us!" Soon!

But my crappy feeling has been real, folks. Voices in my head have told me to just give up on my Savior for letting me feel like this. But by His grace, I won't give up on Him. In fact I know He's gracious and loving to me, just by the fact that I still believe.

"I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokeness I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near

please be praying for me. Thank you to those who have already been praying. And I'm sorry to any I may have hurt during these past few weeks from my attitude.